| Practical survival skills should be fifty percent of | | | | grass clogs. Ironically Do-Hickies cause 99.96% of |
| what we study in school! Languishing twelve to | | | | grass clogs. |
| sixteen years in the bowels of our education | | | | Five: Stay Hydrated - In the country, heat stoke |
| system should not leave American citizens | | | | is as much a right of spring passage as bat guano |
| unprepared to cope with perpetually running | | | | in the kitchen pantry. The ecstasy of |
| toilets. A burned out taillight should not knock our | | | | eighty-degree temps after nine months of winter |
| world off its axis. This chasm of neglected | | | | collides head on with an obsessive desire to get |
| wisdom is not simply filled with the obvious auto | | | | every last flippin' grass blade perfectly level. |
| and home maintenance issues. All the little | | | | Before golf course precision is ever achieved, |
| stupidities reflect on our society. | | | | 'Type A' mowers will be face down on the carpet. |
| Years ago, I was sitting in an I-5 traffic jam with | | | | With ice packs strategically perched on major |
| my sister, August. Innocently I remarket, "I hate | | | | arterial lines, you'll wonder, "Could the shag rug be |
| trying to tune in that radio station while I'm | | | | trimmed just a tad more evenly?" |
| driving." Without provocation August reached | | | | Six: Budget - Country folks can purchase their |
| down and yanked the unsuspecting radio button | | | | fashionable shit-beat trucks for less than a |
| straight out of its place. Metallic skeletal parts | | | | thousand dollars. This elevates you to the social |
| were revealed. Grey whales migrating off the | | | | status of a Ferrari driver in the city. However |
| coast heard my gasp. Then, get this; she shoved | | | | your lawn mower will cost you three times as |
| the hapless button back in - all the way! Even if | | | | much. Tractor mowers are a must out here. The |
| the traffic had been moving, I was in no condition | | | | lawns are too massive. Mowing with a push |
| to drive. | | | | mower during spring would keep property owners |
| This blatant assault on my automotive electronics | | | | circling 24/7. Only idiots and starving authors use |
| was uncalled for. Worse was learning at age 28, I | | | | push mowers. |
| was the only person in America uninformed as to | | | | Seven: Remember General Maintenance - A |
| how radios were set. My thoughts, if you can call | | | | Clanking serenade resulting from the first start up |
| them that, seem silly now. I believed pushing the | | | | of the morning is not unusual. What happened is |
| buttons placed the dial in the vicinity of various | | | | this: Overnight grass built up underneath your |
| stations. Only lucky drivers and folks who listened | | | | mower. Then, flakes have dried to the point |
| to Christian music had buttons that coincidently | | | | where you could use tin snips to cut it into a disk |
| landed on the exact preferred position. This | | | | and burn yourself a springtime fresh CD (Green |
| knowledge graced me just before digital. Lord, | | | | Day?). To remove the offending mass grab an ice |
| how I hate tuning in digital. | | | | pick and go after the dehydrated flakes like |
| All society has an obligation to pick up where | | | | Sharon Stone during mating season. |
| floundering education systems go astray. Teach | | | | Eight: Electric Mowers: Don't - Even if you could lug |
| children the little things. Change vacuum belts as a | | | | 300 yards of cord, it's a spectacularly bad idea. |
| family. Award prizes to offspring who can find the | | | | When several dogs and a milk goat play 'chase' |
| level of power steering fluid and above all else, | | | | under the extension, all hell, and the cord, will |
| instill in them the skill to read a ballot. | | | | break loose. Hopefully this will occur prior to |
| In keeping with a heartfelt desire to better Planet | | | | overloading the freaky little round country fuses |
| Earth, I'd like to pass along ten things nobody | | | | and setting your ancient electrical box ablaze. In a |
| ever told me about lawn mowing, the country | | | | town like mine where there's an all-volunteer Fire |
| way. When I moved to the hinterland I was naive | | | | Department, the carnage could be unspeakable. |
| to the tribulations of rural landscaping. My massive | | | | "Hey, Howard, I see that city gal's home is ablaze |
| country lawn looked innocent enough. Then the | | | | over there. Got any marshmallows?" |
| escrow closed. The following was learned via trial | | | | "Sure Pap. Ya know I told her she should not buy |
| and error - mostly error. | | | | that Rowski house just a few years after she |
| One: Always carry wire cutters when mowing - | | | | did." |
| While the majority of rusty old wire shot through | | | | The only saving grace is with all the unsoldered |
| your leg can be extracted with a few good tugs, | | | | plumbing in this oasis of handyman dropouts, the |
| a surprisingly large proportion entwine around | | | | houses themselves won't burn below the second |
| ankle bones in a manner no physician or physicist | | | | floor. |
| can explain. With a handy set of wire cutters | | | | Nine: Use the Section Technique - The theory |
| excess can be trimmed. Overage tends to snag | | | | here is you divide your lawn into a section for |
| on the gas pedal when diving to the Emergency | | | | each member of the household. Everyone |
| Room. | | | | contributes. Nobody gets overwhelmed by the |
| Two: Recycle -Be sure to have the hospital staff | | | | workload. For example: assign your teenager to |
| return wires once they rinse your Achilles Tendon | | | | mow section 1 on Tuesdays - then you mow it. |
| away. You can reuse it (the wire or the tendon) | | | | You assign your husband to mow section 2 on |
| for fencing projects. No doubt this convenience | | | | Wednesdays - then you mow it. Request your |
| was the reasoning behind 130 years of country | | | | every-present brother-in-law mow section 3 on |
| landowners discarding litter in what otherwise | | | | Thursday - and again, you do the work. Everyone |
| would appear to be a careless manner. | | | | takes a turn. Hell, if you have any other males |
| Three: Remember the Choke - When the mower | | | | around; people, bulls, aspen trees, give them a |
| keeps coughing and sputtering to a stop, or any | | | | section. What do you have to loose? |
| other time you want to choke the dam thing, | | | | Ten: Do Not Get Discouraged! - Never let grass |
| push this lever. It does nothing. To get the sadistic | | | | win! During spring, folks can get discouraged. They |
| contraption running you'll need gasoline. | | | | wake up to note their freshly mowed lawn grew |
| Four: Beware Safety Features - Modern mowers | | | | back while they slept. Fact is, by mowing barefoot |
| posses a handle lever that shuts mowers down | | | | you will feel the new grass poke up as you pass. |
| every time the operator looks to the left. This | | | | It's just the country way. |
| quadruples the number of pull starts needed. The | | | | * Disclaimer: Computer hard drives vary. In the |
| American Academia of Carpal Tunnel Physicians | | | | event you insert a lawn clipping diskette into your |
| sponsors safety levers. Mowers also come with | | | | CD burner and your hard drive fails to function |
| what is called a Plastic Do-Hickie. A Do-Hickie's only | | | | please do not file suit against the manufacturer or |
| function is to display a sticker reminding people | | | | the author. We cannot be held accountable for |
| not to shove their hands or feet inside a running | | | | the quality of your grass. Countersuits will request |
| lawn mower. Gardeners only do this to remove | | | | you promptly cease swimming in the gene pool. |